We’re BACK! Week 1 of the NFL promises to bring some new faces, old faces, surprise faces and funny faces. The funny face promises to be what the guy behind this column will be making while he writes this season. No better way to start this season than with some Kenny Powers one liners interjected into this segment of Start’em /Sit’ems. So even if you think Kenny Powers is a creature of mythical folklore, he’s god’s gift to women if you really want to know, I hope you find this column insightful and a tad humorous.
For no other reason than he’ll be healthy when the game starts. McFadden’s a game breaker, a homerun hitter, a wet dream for every fantasy owner who has him on their roster when healthy. Start him against a Chargers Defense that isn’t all that stingy to opposing offenses. This guy embodies the Kenny Power’s all black persona (black and silver that is). You are destined to find treasure if they remain close and you’ll be lubing up fantasy points courtesy of this work horse.
Are you crazy? Do you like to run with purported ex cons and a defense that looks even uglier than its punishing hits? If you answered yes then I suggest starting BGE on Monday night or better yet obtain a psyche evaluation. Otherwise play it safe and look a different direction for week 1. M&T Bank Stadium will be rocking and the purple house of horrors will be cawing loudly. Expect a wide array of Baltimore’s exotic defensive schemes for Dalton and the Cincy offense to deal with as they do battle with their division rivals. This isn’t the matchup for a RB in a new offense.
“If there’s one thing I hate is losing, if there’s 2 things I hate it’s losing and getting cancer.” – KP Well MJD didn’t get cancer thankfully, but since he’ll be curbed to mainly 3rd down duty this game. Thus this will likely be a great opportunity for Jacksonville against another weak team to do some damage on the ground and here’s where Jennings can contribute. He’s not a slam dunk but I would be very comfortable starting Jennings this week, if only because this might be the one time this season I can say this.
Andre is a freak, he’ll jump over you and run wild and then tear a hamstring all in the matter of seconds. While he’s healthy rely on this guy. Nobody from Miami’s defense scares me. Hard knocks of being Miami Dolphin is that you look forward to next season every season. There’s a future with new Coach Philbin in Miami but until the talent follows suit this team is going to have lots of ups and downs. Expect at least one TD and at least 100 yards receiving on Sunday.
Poor man’s Austin Collie? Try Reggie Wayne. He’s more of a precise route runner than Tebow’s favorite Bronco target in Demaryius Thomas and he has built trust with Peyton in the passing attack. I like Pittsburgh to blitz early and often and after Thomas burned the Steelers secondary in the playoffs I can foresee Decker getting left alone just enough to account for 80 plus yards, 5 receptions and a score. Decker isn’t just the last name of beautiful model with the first name of Brooklyn anymore. Although I prefer my Decker on a swimsuit calendar.
Who are you kidding me, Larry the manchild ain’t staying on my bench! Coach Whisenhunt’s reply, “Oh yes he is good sir, I don’t even know who is starting at QB!” Seattle’s defense is stingy vs. receivers. They feast on intercepting the QB and this offense has a couple of quarterbacks who probably don’t even throw the ball in the right area code half the time. I mean if he’s the #1 option at receiver then you probably have no choice but if you can do better I advise you to do just that. If Arizona can’t find a better quarterback I suspect Fitz will do his own Kenny Poweresque press conference announcing his demands for a trade and letting management know who is effing out.
The “Bullet-Proof Tiger” pick of the week. Yeah, went out on a limb here to make this genius pick. God’s gift and father of the year nominee Tom Brady will be throwing to a couple of matchup nightmare tight ends, a new toy in Brandon Lloyd and an old one in Wes Welker. It’s like Christmas came early and expect the same for Brady’s fantasy owners. Titans defense is no slouch, but if that O line keeps this patsy standing upright then fantasy gold it shall be.
This recommendation does not come from the fact that Vick will be a visitor in the Brown’s Dog Pound on Sunday. However, that does work too….and yes that’s a sick play with words. I’m sick. The Browns secondary is nasty, Joe Haden is fearless and we all know that Cleveland will struggle to score. This means that Andy Reid just needs to build a multi-possession lead and sit on it. Vick’s ribs don’t need to be battered around, I expect Shady McCoy to get the touches and majority of fantasy points. Vick’s numbers will come in other games this season pass this week.
This is the “Panty Dropping” call of the week. If Stafford does not go HAM and have at least 2 TD passes with 300 yards passing then in next week’s column there will be a shout out to one of KP’s special women of the night with a photo of his latest conquest. For panty dropping purposes this is all but guaranteed to wait another week because there is no stopping Stafford to Calvin Johnson on turf. Keep those panties moist and do Kenny Powers proud ladies.
Is this the award for Tightest Ass? Oh wait, tight end….same thing. OK, so Graham, Gronk….yeah they’ll be beasts again, but what was lost last season is how Vernon came on strong at the end of the season culminating in that amazing pitch and catch between Alex Smith and Davis vs. the Saints in the playoffs. The cheese-whiz heads yielded the second most fantasy points to tight ends last year. Start’em and don’t hesitate or I’m putting you on blast, homeboy. Yeah that’s right, you’re moving from neutral ally, back to hostile threat. That’s cuz there’s no “I” in “Team,” but there is a “U” in C*NT.
I don’t need to sell you on this, just look at that opponent. J-E-T-S…Sucks Sucks Sucks. Sanchez and Tebow looked awful in the preseason and this team’s best offense is its defense. Zero TDs from the top 2 QBs on the roster during preseason and “Super” Mario Williams added to a revamped Bills D. All of this before a fan base that will be as quick to chant “Tebow Tebow Tebow” after Sanchez’s first interception as I will be to yell “Geaux Dawgs” when the UW Huskies score on Saturday night against LSU.
In honor of the kickoff weekend of NFL and to all fantasy football owners everywhere I shall part with these words of wisdom from the cranium that embodies the very essence of what it takes to be KP. “If questionable then please pullout.” You can’t unload your arsenal without full members to participate so err on side of caution and remove from the lineup. Q is questionable and we want P for probable. So when in doubt don’t forget to pull out.
See you next week!